


The Doctor's Christmas List(s)

by Kateri3740



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angsty 11th doctor, Gen, He keeps beating up on himself /why/, Someone please give this poor boy a hug, The mind of the Doctor is a sad place
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:54:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22529665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kateri3740/pseuds/Kateri3740
Summary: 7x02- Dinosaurs on a Spaceship. "Dad, I'm 31 years old. I don't have a Christmas list." "I do!"- Rory; the Doctor. But he doesn't have one, not really. He has many. But, if you think about it, only the one mattered. Old story, first fanfiction ever.
Relationships: Doctor- Past selves, Doctor- Sonic Screwdriver
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	The Doctor's Christmas List(s)

"I'm thirty-one years old, Dad. I don't have a Christmas list."

"I do!"

But he didn't have just one. He had many, pages and pages. Pages of different lists, a list for Things for the TARDIS, Different Hats, List of New Books, List of Snacks, List of Settings for the Screwdriver, lists from all of his different regenerations. He had a list for every Christmas he had ever had, been to, seen, or made. And even those Christmases he destroyed.

He had boxes of them, and he kept them all, sentimental old fool that he was.

But he had one that he kept on him, always. In a pocket over his upper heart, his human-placed heart, where it could cause the most pain. As he deserved. This one contained his deepest desires, the longing of his innermost, desperate pleas. Those that would never be realized. But he kept them in memory, in comfort, in hope. In Pain.

Bittersweet memories, filled with love, and a deep pang, sharp loss. For he was old. As old as time. And he always ran, never stopped. Ran from the memories, of those left behind and lost. But he still remembered.

He hid behind the face of a child, to put on the show, to help convince the world, or was it himself? that he was not hurt, that he did not have every reason to just lay down and die. But they were all still there. Despite his disguise, and carefree attitude, he still kept those special desires close to his hearts. To remind him of what he had lost, and of his true age, and to keep him from truly forgetting what had come before, what he was running from. Because he would never forgive himself if he truly did forget.

And so, he kept his deepest desires close to him, to remember. And to live in hope. As a penance, as a shrine, as a reminder. They had each believed so much of him, they were going to stay with him forever. They kept him going, to try to live up to the man they all believed he was, as false as that may be. Because if he didn't have that, then he was nothing. There was no purpose to his travels. He had proven, over and over and over again, that he was a monster- that he destroyed. Only with them was he able to keep some things right, if every now and then, or for a short time. So he honored them by still trying.

It kept getting harder and harder, every day, and he could feel himself slowing down, and the darkness pressing in, weighing him down, threatening to overtake him…but for now, he did have a list, and he did have friends, and he could stave off the darkness for a time.

He was still the young doctor, dashing around the universe, the madman with a box. With the girl who waited, and the Last Centurion. So for now, he would continue, dancing around, with his young face, bright smile, and carefree attitude. And yes, he had a Christmas list. As long as he never forgot, he could continue.

Fin

**Author's Note:**

> A/N:  
> Hey guys! This is just a quick one-shot I wrote ages ago, may actually be the first fanfiction I ever wrote. Be kind! I hope to start posting more stories here, but we'll see. I'm think that at least for now this account will be for the non-discipline stories, while my fanfiction account (under the same name) will be for my discipline stories.


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